Lazily Liaisoning
by D-Tepes
Summary: An Agent, an Intern and some coffee.


Title: Lazily Liaisoning  
Rating: T  
Warnings: Vague Innuendo (It's my schtick.)  
Summary: An Agent, an Intern and some coffee.  
Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did I'd be busy with Darcy.  
Author's Notes: Another one written for, and based off an idea and suggestion by, the lovely LaLaShivers/UsedKarma/Ophelie and fuckyeahdarcylewis on tumblr.

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"Hey Little D," the handsome dark-skinned, dark suited man said as he took a seat across from Darcy Lewis in the diner.

"Hey Hancock," was Darcy's flippant greeting as she smiled and sipped her coffee.

"Not this again," her friend muttered. "I know that Hancock is blessed with extraordinary good looks like me, but the joke should be laid to rest."

"Fine J, I'll do that if you stop calling me Little D. I'm not one of your Agents. I'm a liaison. Besides," Darcy moved her arms in, popping her chest out even more. "Nothing little about my D's." She let J's laughter roll over her and smiled, waiting for it to lessen before adding. "Double D's, really." This set the poor Agent off again.

When his laughter subsided J just shook his head at Darcy. "Well then Darcy," he emphasized her name, "how did you handle the big invasion?"

"I did the sane thing, I called it in and hid. I didn't see any of the Men in Black running about though. Did the invasion happen during your vacay?"

"I wish. Those Chitauri attacked at the same time we were dealing with two other invasions and one attempt to destroy the planet. It also illustrated we have a flaw in our system that we need to sort out."

"A flaw in the infamous MiB systems? Do tell. Also, any particular reason the whole city hasn't been neuralized... again?"

"It seems our system is setup to monitor for ships, no one ever created a portal before. We were caught majorly flat footed on that. Our techs are looking into it. The worms won't stop talking about wormholes," J just shook his head. "There was a lot of talk of activating Lady Lib again and zapping the city, but Fury made a good case to Zed about needing the Avengers in case any other extraterrestrial threat shows up through portals who ignore the MiB's accords."

"Go on, pull the other one. I know how possessive and secretive the MiB's are about what's their territory from when you recorded me to keep an eye out for Thor after New Mexico. What's the real reason?"

"This world is changing. You have technology and mutants out in the open, guys like Hancock, shut up, and the Hulk. Thor is out in the open and only allowed to be so since he's under the grandfather alien contact clause as a God. The world's changing fast. And if we want to stay a neutral zone..."

"Ah," Darcy smiled. "You offer the carrot of a neutral zone Earth for aliens to pass through, do commerce and all that but now with the Avengers and how they laid a bitchslap down on the Chitauri you have a might big stick to back up the MiB enforced neutrality."

"You sure you don't want to be an agent? Come on, Agent D. Mind like that you'll be on track to take over for Zed."

"Nah, I like my name too much. Plus I'd drive K crazy. How'd you like my segue so I could ask where K is?"

"Smooth, very smooth, really," J rolled his eyes. "K's off visiting his son."

"Ah, family bonding after Phil came back from 'near-death' huh? I think it's only me, Phil and Fury over there who know about Phil being half-human. One day you have to tell me about K and Phil's mom."

"Oh girl, K isn't even telling me that story. All I know is something happened during a meet and greet with a new race in the sixties and someone didn't properly verify food interactions in each species. Apparently everyone went on a wild trip and an orgy. Thus we have Phil."

"Oh god, K in an ory, are you trying to break me?" The only reply she received was a smug smile. "You dick," Darcy threw a napkin at him. "So how is it our Philly boy is SHIELD and not Agent P of the MiB?"

"Please don't rap," J gave a mock shudder and earned another hit from a napkin. "Phil just wanted to protect his planet in his own way. And before you ask, that's why he isn't a SHIELD liaison either. He's making his own road."

"But he's still involved enough to pimp me out to you guys."

"When Thor landed in your lap and they realized he was an alien he sent the memo over, advised against zapping you all and said that your initiative in tazing an alien was admirable."

"Yeah yeah, I know the recruitment line from when I was hired. Now when do I get my neuralizer? 'Cause it's been awhile."

"When we become convinced you won't use it to skip paying for your Starbucks or playing pranks on the Avengers."

"I'd never do... Okay, I'd only rarely do that, come on! What have I done to earn such distrust?"

J gave her a gimlet eye. "Black Friday."

"Oh," Darcy studied her coffee a moment. "Fair enough and we'll not speak of it again."

J gave a chuckle. "So you enjoying being our liaison on top of your interning duties?"

"I fetch the PopTarts, arrange the coffee, act like I do paperwork and point out the painfully obvious to those with more brains than sense. It's not a bad job. Except when I can't fake the paperwork. Paperless offices do not cut down on actual paperwork. Not fair," Darcy said with an exaggerated whine.

"I hear that kiddo. Anything we need to know about that you needed face time for?"

"I'm good, but I would like to know what I was called in for."

"Oh that, well we got to talking about your job position and decided," J reached into his inner vest pocket.

"If you're about to use the neuralyzer on me I'm going to kick your ass."

J laughed as he finished pulled out a petite gun that looked looked like a mash-up of 1950's vision of the future of weapons and something steampunk. "You're getting officially armed by the MiB." She'd grabbed it out of his hands before he could even finish speaking.

"Sweet, now what does it do? Atomize or shrink or what? Come on, tell me about myyyy preeeeecious." Her Gollum impression was a bit too spot on and made J shudder.

"It's a Tesla, a gift from another secret agency. It's been upgraded, miniaturized and made self-charging and given better rate of fire. It's basically a taser and it erases short term memory. That's on levels one and two. Level five, well, has turned people to ash. Stay on the lower settings, eh kiddo?"

"It's almost like a neuralyzer," Darcy said as she stroked the device lovingly and not noticing as J also slid across a holster for it.

"No using it for shopping sprees."

"Fine fine, but see if I'm buying you another puffy sweater this year."

"Promise?" J grinned.

"You know I really should test this thing out," Darcy said turning the Tesla on him.

"You wouldn't da-" And that's when Darcy shot him.

Darcy finished her coffee and ordered them both some pie and herself another drink as she waited for J to wake up. She reasoned that she needed to know how long the effects lasted, after all. And where better to test than in a nice alien run diner where no one would think anything of it. J roused around when the pie was put in front of him and glared at Darcy indignantly.

"You shot me!"

"You told me too," Darcy lied smoothly and popped a bite of pie. Talking around it she continued, "You suggested I see how long the effects would last. Don't you remember?"

"I can't remember, you shot me." There was a little grumbling as he eyed her. "Are you lying to me Darcy?"

"Would I lie to you?"

"Yes, Lil' D, you would."

"And that's why you love me. Not stop calling me that or I'll shoot you again."

"Yeah yeah, must be some reason... But you won't be shooting me again."

"Fine, I won't be shooting you again tonight. Now eat your pie before it gets cold or I will."

"Yes ma'am," J smiled at her indignant look at being called ma'am and dove into his pie. "You really should be an agent."

"Nah," Darcy gave him a wink. "Don't like the fraternization policy."

"You're a shameless flirt."

"Just another reason you love me.."

"Must be..." J gave her a big smile. "Must be."


End file.
